this is incredibly personal to me so on the offchance someone reads thank you for listening
Haley's my dog that's passed away. She was 14 and 10 months old, pretty good for a dog with the diagnosis of cardiomegaly in dogs. She passed on October 14, 2024 at 4:11 PM. She was black,white, and brown, a lap sized dog that never grew out of snuggling her people. My cousin said she was a German terrier. I say she is but with something else mixed in that we never quite figured out. In the time I had her, I've been so lucky to watch her grow and exist. She'd grow into fluffy fur took hours to brush. She'd be shaven and her folds reminded me about cinnamon rolls and the swirl in the middle of our universe. She leaned into ear scratches, she'd flop and show her belly for pets. Haley pioneered the love language of touch in our home. She grew into our home, finding sun spots I never expected to appreciate. She lived in the spaces behind our knees in bed, in the hidden dark of our dining room table, in the backyard tracking leaves and plant seeds into whatever fabric surface she laid on. No black t shirt or pants were safe from Haley. No matter how short a time, she'd spend in our backyard, she'd come in and smell like outside. She was our dog. People like to talk about how amazing their dogs were, the things they did, the memories they had. As amazed and surprised I am, I am quite biased to Haley. There will never be a dog like Haley, so how lucky am I to have been the one to take care of her.
As I feel the sun on my face, as I smell the outside, I appreciate my dog more and more. All the love I had and have for her has nowhere to go so I'm pouring it into the other things I know and love. I know everyone's experienced loss and grief. It is highly personal, incredibly alienating and also something that everyone knows personally. In my grief, I have resolved to feel, see, hear my girl in everything I do. In everything I make, there will be a piece of her. I want to be the kind of person that Haley would love to hear about when I meet her again. Even now, there's a lil fur that's caught in my throat, trapped with tears and a lump that rises whenever I think of her. Haley has been sending me little signs ever since her passing and I know she would not want me to be so sad but it's incredibly hard missing her. Her pictures and videos make me smile. Her memories choke me up. Getting to talk about her has kept her so close to me, that I cannot help but babble about her to my very patient friends and family, willing to listen, to help. I am several pieces of a person, holding myself together the best I can. The grief I have hits in waves and while I do like to swim, I would hate to drown. And so that brings me here. I wanted my neocities to feel personal to me. I have no coding experience aside from the barest minimum but I do like to write so I'll do what I can to make a part of this site for Haley . I find myself speaking to air, to her spots, making space for her that I know she'd be happy to take up. I find myself thinking of her every waking moment. How lucky am I that the internet has been built in a way that I can overload my brain with other things so that I don't drown in my grief. Food is hard for she isn't there to share with. Sleep is hard because I won't see her when I wake up or go to bed. But Haley loved her living and her life and life goes on and all that. There are quite literally a million ways to describe grief, and I will throw my hat into there and make it a million and one. Time passes and it is unfair. Time passes and I am relieved to see the sun move. Time passes and I continue to patch myself up and move on, sobbing, crying, wiping the snot on every long sleeve and shirt collar I have. I move on laughing, talking, and naming every brown Minecraft dog, every virtual animal I have after Haley. I move on with Haley in mind, for not only was she my dog, but she is now
I am so happy to see you Haley, in all the things I love and make, from here on out and forever more. I love you and I miss you, girl. Please keep sending me your sunshine
I'm going back to work today. Working night shift on three hours of sleep is going to be interesting. I'd try to sleep during my break but who knows how busy i'll be. I was in the backyard with my dad this morning and I kept hearing rustling in the leaves, as though Haley were just going for her usual potty break. I know it's just the breeze though. Day by day, my brain makes the connection between what's happened and the current time. One time, an old friend suggested journaling to help manage my emotions, and then a month afterwards when we had both resolved to journal more, they stated that journaling felt like picking at wounds that needed to scab over and heal. Am I doing that right now as I write? Picking at my wound, picking at old worries in order to feel in control of something? I removed my blackout curtains yesterday just in time to feel the sun in my room and then this morning I had to put them back up to try and get some sleep but no luck. I took some time in the sun, noticed the light right up until I passed out to another video game run. When I woke up I realized that I hadn't cried today. Uet . I'm nervous about going back to work not only because of my lack of sleep but also because I really don't want to cry in front of my coworkers. Sometimes it feels like I'm blown back to my childhood, with how much I hate the dark and the cold. I do look forward to seeing the sunrise at work though. Work gets a really nice view of the sun rising, that even in my scurry to finish my tasks, the light filters into the rooms and catching a glimpse of the day energizes me just enough to finish. The lump in my throat has traveled to the top of my sternum, amplifies my heartbeat, and keeps me awake. It's not a good feeling, but it is a tolerable one. I'll see if it keeps me up enough for work tonight.
Hey Haley, thanks for giving us the strength to get through today. It's been a hard few days, it will be a hard few weeks that bleed into the next months, but just know I think of you always. Please wish me a good shift, girl, love you lots